Soul Post: Reflections of a Neurodivergent Mom
Hi, everyone! We're back in Manila. I wasn't able to post for the past 2 days because a lot has happened on Sunday and then we went home yesterday. I was too exhausted to write last night. Plus I wanted to tell you about this thing that happened to us in SM Baguio on Sunday but it will require a lot of mental and emotional resources from me.
So, I'm writing it today.
On Saturday morning, my son said that he had a tummy ache. He was able to go to the bathroom before we left for Baguio, but said that he only moved a little of the contents from his tummy.
Nothing unusual happened on Saturday. My son was eating normally. His tummy wasn't acting up.
Then on Sunday morning, while having breakfast, my son said that he thinks he soiled himself after he passed gas, so we went back to our room so he could clean up. He tried to go, but nothing came out.
I asked if he was okay enough to go to SM. He said, yes.
After about an hour to an hour and a half of being there, he said that he needed to use the bathroom. We went to the men's but all the cubicles were full, so I asked the janitor if we can use the PWD stall. He said yes.
We were there for a long time as he was having a full-blown diarrhea this time. Finally, he said we can go.
I went and shopped at Mango while my son stayed with my sister and mom, sitting just outside the boutique. Then it was time for lunch.
A few minutes after sitting at the restaurant, my son said that he needed to go again. So we went to the same bathroom, but it was occupied so we waited patiently. The lady took a long time, but it was okay. She wasn't done with her business.
Then a mother and son or maybe daughter? Sorry, I can't figure out the gender of the child. The child had long hair and I couldn't see the face much and was wearing gender-neutral clothes.
The child was neurodivergent, possibly autistic. Within a minute of standing there, he/she started hitting his/her head. The mom wasn't doing anything to stop the child from hitting herself/himself. So I said, "hey, it's okay. It's okay," in a soothing voice. Me, my son, my husband, my mom, my sister are all neurodivergent. My sister is a SPED specialist. I'm ABA-trained and certified. I was trying to help. I asked the mom if the child doesn't like waiting in line. She didn't know how to answer me and just said that the child must have been triggered.
We waited for more minutes and finally the lady inside the stall came out. My son and I hurriedly went it. And of course, since this was diarrhea, we took a long time in there again. At which point, the child outside had a full-blown meltdown. But what was I to do? My son was still sitting there, in pain.
Someone knocked on the door. Twice. Even when I said it's occupied. Then a woman was yelling, "nagwawala na ung PWD dito" (a PWD was having a meltdown). I cracked the door open and said, "I'm sorry, but my son is having diarrhea." She said, "nagwawala na ung PWD dito" again. I looked at the child's mom who said nothing. I said, I'm sorry, but we're not done. She asked me, the woman wearing a Beauche uniform, if I was PWD. I said, "yes, I have an ID." Then closed the door. That woman was angry, but again, we fell in line, got in first and my son wasn't done with his business.
The woman kept saying things outside. She kept talking badly about us.
After a few short minutes, my son was finally done. I was angry at this point. When we went out, I told the Beauche woman, "naiintindihan ko po yun. (I understand that) but my son is SPED, too that's why I came with him here to assist him." She was side-eyeing me and giving me evil looks then completely ignored me and went inside the bathroom, closing the door behind her. How rude of her! I yelled, so she and everyone in line could hear, "Will we go here if my son wasn't SPED and I wasn't a PWD? I know what's happening, but my son wasn't finished and was having diarrhea! Can you not understand that?" Then left.
My Reflections
I was so frustrated and angry with that woman. She didn't even know the situation and she started getting angry with us. Does she not understand what diarrhea is? Has she never experienced diarrhea before? Can you just up and leave the toilet because someone is having a meltdown outside in the middle of doing your business? There were 2 more bathrooms - ladies and men's. They could easily ask housekeeping or the next one in line if they could use the bathroom first! The ladies' line was very long, but I'm sure they could ask the next one in line nicely if they could go first. I would've let them go first, but my son needed to go!
If you were in my situation, what would you do?
Another thing that I was thinking about was the mom knew that it was a long weekend. It was a Sunday. SM Baguio is always packed on a regular day, much more on a holiday weekend. She knows that her child gets triggered when they wait. She shouldn't have brought the child there. Or, she could have equipped and trained her child at home. She could tell the child that they are going to the mall, that they can't always get everything they want right away. They have to fall in line and wait. They could have practiced this scenario at home again and again until the child got it.
This is doable. My son used to hate waiting in line as well and will have a complete meltdown, but I taught him self-soothing techniques and practiced waiting in line at home before I took him to the mall. He still hates waiting in line, but has learned to cope. Neurodivergent kids just need to be equipped with the right tools in order to function well in public. It's really up to the parents and the child's occupational therapist and teachers to empower him or her.
Perhaps the mother lacked skills or education in this area because she just allowed her child to hit his/her head several times without doing anything. And she didn't have any way of soothing the child. She just kept saying "stop, wait, it's almost our turn" in rotation.
I'm not shaming the mother of the neurodivergent child. I've been in that situation. I understood her. But she could have also understood us. I clearly said my son was having diarrhea. Anyway, she did not argue with me, it was just that Beauche woman, so perhaps she also understood. She was clearly upset, but what can she do? What can anyone do in that situation except to wait for my son to finish his business.
When my son was younger, and we had to wait a long time, I made sure that I brought snacks, activities, toys that he can do and play with while waiting in line. I would talk to him about anything that interests him. I had small gifts that I give to him every 20 minutes or so for behaving well. Yes, I know that's a lot of effort, but having a neurodivergent child involves a lot of time, energy, and resources.
As for that woman from Beauche, I didn't owe her an explanation. She did not have the right to ask me if I was PWD. I didn't owe anyone any explanation. We didn't do anything wrong or bad. She just didn't understand the situation and had a closed mind. She probably doesn't know that being "special" has many faces.
Also, she was wearing a uniform with the big Beauche logo embroidered on it. She's representing her brand. She shouldn't have shamed my son and I in public. It's a reflection of her brand. That woman made us feel unsafe in a public space.
From Gemini:
RA 7277 (Magna Carta for Disabled Persons): The foundational law, covering rehabilitation, integration, employment, education, health, and non-discrimination in public spaces/transportation.
- Non-Discrimination: Prohibits verbal/non-verbal ridicule and discrimination in public accommodation/services.
Furthermore:
In the Philippines, Republic Act No. 9442 (RA 9442), which amends the Magna Carta for Disabled Persons (RA 7277), specifically penalizes shaming, ridicule, and vilification of Persons With Disabilities (PWDs) in public with fines from P50,000 to P200,000 and imprisonment, alongside other laws like the Revised Penal Code (libel/slander) and the Safe Spaces Act (RA 11313) for gender-based harassment, protecting PWDs from such abuses.
We cut our trip short. We missed lunch. I texted my mom to tell her have my food wrapped and I'll just eat at the hotel. I wanted my son to rest. I wanted to rest and cool off.
Back at the hotel, I was ruminating, contemplating what I should have done and said. I talked to my dear friend and he said, "you didn't owe that woman an explanation nor an apology, but you did. Because that's who you are. You protected your child."
I thought about it and the many times this thing happened to me. I was being a pushover, always took the higher ground, was timid and quiet, apologizing even when I'm not the one at fault. Well, that ends now!
I will still answer with diplomacy, I will be respectful, but I will not allow them to cross a line, humiliate us, and make us feel bad when they're the ones at fault. Not anymore. I'm reclaiming my dignity and showing an example to my son, so he will not be the same. I will not allow myself to be bullied anymore, especially by people who have closed minds and limited education and awareness.
I told myself that I should have said, "We fell in line, we got here first, we're not yet done. Deal with it!" When we came out, the mother and child weren't even there anymore. They probably used the regular restroom, which they should have done in the first place!
If something like this happens again, I won't apologize. I will give a short explanation of what's happening (if the situation calls for it) and that's it. If they don't stop, we escalate and ask help from the proper authorities.
Mom and I wanted to report that Beauche woman to the SM admin, but my son's health comes first, so we went back to the hotel.
I do hope someone from Beauche or SM Baguio comes across this post and talks to that woman. She humiliated us in public for something that happens to everyone. I'm writing this not to shame her, but for the proper authorities, especially from Beauche, to train their staff about kindness, understanding, neurodivergence, and inclusion. And to not pick a fight in public especially while wearing their uniform, representing the company's brand.
This is for the Moms who’ve swallowed their voices for the sake of peace… women who’ve apologized just to keep things from escalating… parents who’ve been judged without anyone asking what their child needed. I see you. You matter. You are enough.
If you're a mom of a neurodivergent child, or a neurodivergent person yourself, hang in there. Maybe with enough awareness, the world will be able to catch up to us, too.
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Lady E
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