I Don’t Have to Figure It All Out Today

 

I have a habit of trying to solve my entire life in one sitting.

It usually starts innocently enough.

I’ll sit down because there’s one thing bothering me. Maybe it’s work. Money. Something at home. Something I want to make. Something I haven’t finished. Something about myself that I think I should already understand.

So I start thinking.

And then I think about the thing connected to that thing.

And the thing that might happen three months from now because of that thing.

And while I’m there, perhaps I should also figure out what I’m doing for the rest of the year.

Very efficient.

Except it isn’t.

Sometimes I’m already tired when I begin.

That’s the strange part.

I can be overwhelmed, underslept, emotionally wrung out, with too many things already competing for space in my head, and some part of me will still decide that this is an excellent time to develop a comprehensive strategy for my entire existence.

I think I do it because figuring things out makes me feel safer.

(And also, from a biological point of view, I seem to notice this during the week leading to Lady Flo’s arrival. ) 

A plan turns something shapeless into something I can hold.

A list gives edges to uncertainty.

If I can name the problem, break it apart, organize it and decide what happens next, I feel better.

Usually, this is one of my strengths.

But I’m learning that even strengths can become exhausting when I don’t know when to put them down.

There are days when I don’t need another plan.

I need lunch.

Or a nap.

Or to paint something for no particular reason.

I need to stop opening new tabs inside my own head.

Lately, I’ve been trying to let some questions remain unanswered.

Not forever.

Just for today.

There are things in my life that I genuinely do need to figure out. Some of them are important. Some will require decisions, work, money, courage or change.

But they do not all require me today.

That distinction has been surprisingly difficult for me.

I’m so used to thinking that if I can see a problem, I should be working on it.

But seeing something does not automatically make it today’s assignment.

Sometimes I can write it down and leave it there.

Sometimes I can say, I don’t know yet. (And this is a hard pill to swallow. Saying I don’t know leaves me feeling weak and vulnerable. But I’m learning)

Sometimes the next step is enough.

And sometimes there doesn’t even need to be a next step before dinner.

I was looking at a blank page in my watercolor book yesterday, with my paints open beside it and a brush resting on the paper.

Nothing had been decided yet.

No sketch.

No colors chosen.

No idea that needed to become something immediately.

Just a blank page.

And I liked it that way.

There was something gentle about having all those colors available to me without needing to use any of them yet.

Maybe that is what I want to give myself more often.

Possibility without pressure.

I can make plans tomorrow.

I can solve another piece when I have more information.

I can change my mind when I know more.

I can leave a few blank spaces in my life without rushing to fill them.

I don’t have to figure it all out today.

Today can just be today.

—-

With elegance and quiet fire,
Lady E

Founder, Glow by Lady E 
An editorial space for stories, art, and intentional living