I Stopped Auditioning for My Own Life

 

How many women wait until they’re thinner, richer, prettier, or more successful before allowing themselves to enjoy life?

I was one of those women. 

I’ll wait ‘til I buy this for my son before treating myself. 

I’ll wait to finish all the orders before I rest. 

I’ll wait until my face clears up before I wear a blush. 

This journey is teaching me a lot of things. 

And one of those things is that I don’t need to earn delight. 

I stopped auditioning the day I realized life wasn’t a panel of judges.

No one was holding up scorecards.

The only person waiting for me… was me.

And that was a big revelation to me. 

It was like one of those moments where you go, “why didn’t I think of that sooner”

Yeah.. Why didn’t I think of that sooner?

I was programmed through circumstances over the years to put myself last. 

I guess there’s also that part of society that tells you to think of others first. 

I grew up that way. 

Serve others first. 

So I did. 

And slowly but surely, my cup emptied. 

And you know what?

Once your cup empties, it’s so hard to fill it back up. 

I had a hard time because first, how do I fill my cup again?

After years of losing myself to serving others, I didn’t know the first thing to putting something into my cup, much more filling it. 

Like what do I even put into my cup?

Second, I felt guilty when I put myself first. 

Third, making change after many years of old habits just feels wrong…yucky even. 

Like I could physically feel it crawling on my skin. 

I’m not saying anyone should be self-centered or selfish. 

I’m asking, how can you give when your cup is empty?

One day, I found myself sick, exhausted, empty - physically, emotionally, mentally. 

Then I looked at my young son and said, he deserves better. 

I deserve better. 

So I flirted with the idea of playing hooky. 

What if I didn’t do the laundry today?

What if I didn’t cook dinner and just ordered in?

And it felt good. 

Every what if earned me a moment of rest, of respite, of play. 

And it did wonders for my overall health and wellness. 

I kept doing this until one day, I wasn’t flirting anymore. 

I was totally committed. 

Committed to stop waiting, to stop carrying others when I couldn’t even carry myself anymore, to stop worrying about other adults’ lives. 

And started committing to my own health, my own joy, my own peace. 

So I stopped auditioning for my own life. 

And you know what? I’m in a much better place now. 

And it feels good. 

Now hand me that blush. I’ll color my cheeks even though they’re already red from a histamine flare.  😏

—-

With elegance and quiet fire,
Lady E

Founder, Glow by Lady E 
An editorial space for stories, art, and intentional living