Skip to main content

I Stopped Auditioning for My Own Life

 


How many women wait until they’re thinner, richer, prettier, or more successful before allowing themselves to enjoy life?

I was one of those women. 

I’ll wait ‘til I buy this for my son before treating myself. 

I’ll wait to finish all the orders before I rest. 

I’ll wait until my face clears up before I wear a blush. 


This journey is teaching me a lot of things. 

And one of those things is that I don’t need to earn delight. 

I stopped auditioning the day I realized life wasn’t a panel of judges.

No one was holding up scorecards.

The only person waiting for me… was me.


And that was a big revelation to me. 

It was like one of those moments where you go, “why didn’t I think of that sooner”


Yeah.. Why didn’t I think of that sooner?


I was programmed through circumstances over the years to put myself last. 

I guess there’s also that part of society that tells you to think of others first. 

I grew up that way. 

Serve others first. 

So I did. 

And slowly but surely, my cup emptied. 


And you know what?

Once your cup empties, it’s so hard to fill it back up. 

I had a hard time because first, how do I fill my cup again?

After years of losing myself to serving others, I didn’t know the first thing to putting something into my cup, much more filling it. 

Like what do I even put into my cup?


Second, I felt guilty when I put myself first. 

Third, making change after many years of old habits just feels wrong…yucky even. 

Like I could physically feel it crawling on my skin. 


I’m not saying anyone should be self-centered or selfish. 

I’m asking, how can you give when your cup is empty?


One day, I found myself sick, exhausted, empty - physically, emotionally, mentally. 

Then I looked at my young son and said, he deserves better. 

I deserve better. 


So I flirted with the idea of playing hooky. 

What if I didn’t do the laundry today?

What if I didn’t cook dinner and just ordered in?

And it felt good. 


Every what if earned me a moment of rest, of respite, of play. 

And it did wonders for my overall health and wellness. 

I kept doing this until one day, I wasn’t flirting anymore. 

I was totally committed. 

Committed to stop waiting, to stop carrying others when I couldn’t even carry myself anymore, to stop worrying about other adults’ lives. 

And started committing to my own health, my own joy, my own peace. 


So I stopped auditioning for my own life. 

And you know what? I’m in a much better place now. 

And it feels good. 

Now hand me that blush. I’ll color my cheeks even though they’re already red from a histamine flare.  😏



—-


With elegance and quiet fire,
Lady E


Founder, Glow by Lady E 
An editorial space for stories, art, and intentional living




Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Soul Notes: For Your Journal Tonight

Come sit with me for a while. I have my journal open, and tonight I’ve been thinking about something I suspect I do more often than I realize. I turn healing into another thing I need to accomplish. I want to know when I’ll be over something. When I’ll stop thinking about it. When something that hurt will finally stop hurting. When I’ll feel like myself again. And somewhere along the way, healing quietly becomes another deadline. Another invisible date on a calendar. Another thing I can somehow be late for. But maybe healing doesn’t work particularly well under project management. Maybe there are things I will understand quickly and things I’ll have to revisit again and again. Maybe I’ll feel completely fine one day and unexpectedly tender the next. That doesn’t mean I’ve gone backwards. It means I’m still moving through it. I remember one day, many years ago, when I had fibromyalgia. I lived in constant pain. I just couldn’t get a good day. And then one day, in the office...
Post a Comment
Read more

Part 1: I Finally Had Enough of My Dry Feet and Did Something About It

  I have been annoyed with my feet for months. Not because there was anything particularly wrong with them. They were just dry . Really dry. And you know I have a problem with dryness (hello skin, lips). And somehow, despite noticing this constantly, I kept doing absolutely nothing about it. The moment that gets me every time is when I’m waiting for my son at piano class. I’ll sit down, cross my legs, look down at my slip-ons or sandals and there they are. My dry, flaky feet. Then I become painfully aware that there are other people sitting beside me who can probably see them too. 😂 Every time, I think, I really need to do something about this. And then piano class ends, life resumes, and apparently my feet are no longer part of my jurisdiction. Eventually, I had enough. I found this Mond’Sub Chamomile Foot Peeling Spray at KKV and decided that my poor neglected feet were finally getting some attention. The process wasn’t glamorous. There was peeling skin involved. There were bits...
Post a Comment
Read more

Used to the Last Drop: The Ones I’d Already Told You About

  There’s something particularly satisfying about finishing a product you’ve already written about. Not testing it. Not forming first impressions. Not wondering whether I’ll still like it three weeks from now. Finished. My Molang Honey sheet masks and this body scrub both made it all the way to the end. (Finally for the Molang sheet masks, right?) I’ve reviewed both before, so I won’t review them all over again here. But perhaps using something until there is nothing left to use is its own kind of review. Beauty products come through my bathroom rather frequently. Some are lovely for a week. Some get pushed to the back of a shelf. Some simply stop working for me. And then there are the ones that quietly disappear because I kept reaching for them. Maybe an empty container is the shortest review of all. I liked it enough to finish it. If you want to read my thought about these products, just type them on my search bar. —- With elegance and quiet fire, Lady E Founder, Glow by Lady E...
Post a Comment
Read more